Have you ever gotten to the point where you felt like things were "too much"? You just want to yell, "Stop the world, I wanna get off!"
Yeah... we all have those times. But I believe it's what we do with them that makes the difference. Do we run & hide? Do we pray? Do we cover it all up and act strong? Do we despair? What is your normal reaction?
I had a moment like that this past week. Things have already been stacking up for the past 2 months. Since our pastor left, our young adult ministry, One Accord, had its last service on Sunday. Dealing with the loss of our community has been hard. Losing some very special friendships recently, for other reasons, has also left its mark. But I was supposed to lead our prayer team and keep them encouraged that God was still working. And there were times when I saw that... and times when I walked on faith alone. My heart had already been broken in all this, and then the other week my small group leaders also announced they were stepping down. I couldn't even bring myself to cry over it. I was too numb. But things still weren't over. Two days ago, my aunt went into the doctor to check a cracked bone, and they found out that her cancer had come back. This time it's terminal. She doesn't want to tell her family or parents yet, so my immediate family are the only ones who know (the rest don't read my blog, so you guys can know, too).
Normally, I deal with things by talking to God and my friends. But most of my friends are gone now, since they were all in OA. So that just leaves me & the Lord, but for some reason I've struggled with praying about it all recently. Then I read about the importance of rest in the Christian life, about simply being with Jesus and not trying to do things to fix these problems (it was the "Desert Communion" chapter in "The Sacred Romance", if you must know). Hmmm....
The same day I got the news about my aunt, I went home and just laid down on my bed & talked to the Lord. Well, more like just laid there. I didn't have any words to say. And neither did He. I still couldn't cry. But I could feel Jesus' presence there as He took me in His arms and just held me... and reminded me that I didn't have to try and be strong around him. And so I didn't try to explain how I felt... I didn't try to remind myself of all the things I "should" know about holding on to faith in hard times... I just rested in His arms. And after a while, the tears finally came. And He just held me, reminding me that He was always there. No quick fixes. No Sunday school answers. No patronizing explanations that I've heard time & time again. He just let me rest... Praise God.
Now I must stand up and walk on. The road ahead is still unclear. The pain inside is still fresh. But God is still in control, and He is faithful.
"Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him; do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass." - Psalm 37:7 (NKJV)
