Rest

Have you ever gotten to the point where you felt like things were "too much"? You just want to yell, "Stop the world, I wanna get off!"

Yeah... we all have those times. But I believe it's what we do with them that makes the difference. Do we run & hide? Do we pray? Do we cover it all up and act strong? Do we despair? What is your normal reaction?

I had a moment like that this past week. Things have already been stacking up for the past 2 months. Since our pastor left, our young adult ministry, One Accord, had its last service on Sunday. Dealing with the loss of our community has been hard. Losing some very special friendships recently, for other reasons, has also left its mark. But I was supposed to lead our prayer team and keep them encouraged that God was still working. And there were times when I saw that... and times when I walked on faith alone. My heart had already been broken in all this, and then the other week my small group leaders also announced they were stepping down. I couldn't even bring myself to cry over it. I was too numb. But things still weren't over. Two days ago, my aunt went into the doctor to check a cracked bone, and they found out that her cancer had come back. This time it's terminal. She doesn't want to tell her family or parents yet, so my immediate family are the only ones who know (the rest don't read my blog, so you guys can know, too).

Normally, I deal with things by talking to God and my friends. But most of my friends are gone now, since they were all in OA. So that just leaves me & the Lord, but for some reason I've struggled with praying about it all recently. Then I read about the importance of rest in the Christian life, about simply being with Jesus and not trying to do things to fix these problems (it was the "Desert Communion" chapter in "The Sacred Romance", if you must know). Hmmm....

The same day I got the news about my aunt, I went home and just laid down on my bed & talked to the Lord. Well, more like just laid there. I didn't have any words to say. And neither did He. I still couldn't cry. But I could feel Jesus' presence there as He took me in His arms and just held me... and reminded me that I didn't have to try and be strong around him. And so I didn't try to explain how I felt... I didn't try to remind myself of all the things I "should" know about holding on to faith in hard times... I just rested in His arms. And after a while, the tears finally came. And He just held me, reminding me that He was always there. No quick fixes. No Sunday school answers. No patronizing explanations that I've heard time & time again. He just let me rest... Praise God.

Now I must stand up and walk on. The road ahead is still unclear. The pain inside is still fresh. But God is still in control, and He is faithful.

"Rest in the LORD, and wait patiently for Him; do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who brings wicked schemes to pass." - Psalm 37:7 (NKJV)

It's Coming...

God is moving at One Accord.

It doesn't look like it on the outside - the church leadership is ending our worship service and basically turning it into a Sunday school class, cutting out most of the older members of our ministry in favor of the college students, and in the process we have seen many of our best leaders walk out the door. Yet God has given a small group of people His vision for all this, and it's huge!

"Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." -- Isaiah 43:18-19 (NIV)

Dare I even say what the vision is? God has been wanting to pour out the fire of His Spirit on our church, but it has been long contained in our little ministries and church "cliques". We have been the light of Christ, but only to those who already have it. Now He is stirring up the fire and kicking the sparks out into the open, igniting everything in its path. They want us to integrate into the church... but they don't know what they are asking for! There have been people praying - praying for over a year now - for one thing, and it appears God is wanting to answer that prayer. Revival. It's coming.

But this is something that calls for faith. Perseverance. This will not be immediate, and before we can even really start, we have to survive the transition between our worship service and Sunday morning classes.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”-- Hebrews 11:1 (NIV)

God has really been burdening my heart for The River, our prayer team, during this time. We don't want to lose any more people than we already have, but this team also needs to understand that we are not playing around with this. Prayer is and has always been the heart & soul of our ministry, and if OA is going to be carried through this time of change, it will be through persevering in prayer. For the next few months, my goals are clear: (1) to call our people to TRUST GOD in all of this. This isn't a time to be bitter at other people. This isn't a time to run away. This isn't a time to hesitate or question or worry. God is in control. (2) In order to trust God more, we need to know Him more. Most of our prayer times I have been and will be focusing on who God is. No matter what, we need to keep looking and pointing to God. A few weeks ago some people confessed that they had let the One Accord service and the way they wanted it to look become an idol, and they had been more upset about losing that than looking at what God was doing. Praise the Lord that He is bringing these things out into the open and taken them away, so we can look at HIM alone!

"'Don't be afraid,' the prophet answered. 'Those who are with us are more than those who are with them.' And Elisha prayed, 'O Lord, open his eyes so he may see.' Then the Lord opened the servant's eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha." -- 2 Kings 6:16-17 (NIV) (I have been studying Elisha a lot during this time, after the illustration that was given when I was handed this ministry - see my entry from 6/7/08)

There is much more to come, I'm sure. And I'm already out of my comfort zone!! But God is good, God is faithful, and God is in control.

Worth It

So, at our prayer meeting on Friday, for once I had no words to speak. However, in about 10 minutes I wrote this song... still working on a melody, but here's the words thus far...

"Worth It"

You said whoever loves his life
Will lose it
Those who will leave it all
Will live
But how can I walk away from all I've known?

You said to love You is to
Forsake all else
In following we must take up
Our cross
Yet now I'm left feeling all alone

I don't understand Your ways
I'm in the dark these days
But I believe You are good
And because You're here
It's gonna be worth it
It's gonna be worth it

Lord give me the faith to believe
All You promised is true
That even if I must leave it all behind
All that I need is You

"My heart is stirred by a noble theme as I recite my verses for the king; my tongue is the pen of a skillful writer." - Psalm 45:1 (NIV)

Everything Changes

I suppose we should have expected it. '~'

Spiritual warfare is part of doing ministry. Three weeks ago, our young adult ministry hosted a prayerwalk around our city, pulling down the spiritual walls and taking back our community for Christ. One week ago, our young adult pastor announced his resignation. Our ministry was pulled apart overnight. :(

During this week, those of us who are left have been trying to pick up the pieces and move on. The other pastors in our church are going to keep our services going, but many of the student leaders left with the pastor. Friday night, I was at a meeting with the prayer warriors and leaders of The River, our prayer ministry. Among the things we talked and prayed about, the ministry was our main focus. But then, another change was announced. The two men leading our prayer ministry told us that they too, were going to step down from leadership.

Before I had time to realize what was going on, one of the guys, Nick, started talking about the people he had to take over different aspects of his ministry. When it came to The River, he said that could be taken over by any Spirit-filled believer who was on fire for the Lord, but he was looking right at me!! :O He talked about how it was like Elijah passing on the cloak (and his ministry) to Elisha. I started in with a "Wait a minute!", but it was time for us to start praying, so I didn't get to talk to him right then. As we prayed, God confirmed to me that this was what He wanted as well. I told the group that I really didn't feel prepared for this, but the other guy said that he felt I was ready, and the rest of them circled around, laid hands on me, and prayed. I spent a couple hours after that, out driving and talking with God. If He wants me here, I have to obey, despite how I feel.

So here I am, suddenly in charge of a ministry I never considered before. And I find myself having to do this without the people who have taught me everything about it, without the guidance and strength I had gotten used to leaning on. Now, it's just Jesus and me, and the team that has chosen to stay behind. But Elisha didn't begin his ministry until Elijah left (2 Kings 2), so maybe this needs to be the same way. My friends, I need prayer!

"So Elijah went from there and found Elisha son of Shaphat. He was plowing with twelve yoke of oxen, and he himself was driving the twelfth pair. Elijah went up to him and threw his cloak around him. Elisha then left his oxen and ran after Elijah. 'Let me kiss my father and mother good-by,' he said, 'and then I will come with you.'" -- 1 Kings 19:19-20a (NIV)

Hello!

Ok, so here's another blog to go along with my MySpace, Xanga, and Facebook blog posts. For all the friends who are only on this site... :) I'll write the same thing on all 4 so don't worry about catching them all.